Transparent Holiness is a winding path. There are twists, turns, and different paths that creep along the way. Stumbling blocks pop up that can trip us and leave us sitting on the path wondering if continuing on is worth the trouble.
Just after my last blog post and a little bit of the pandemic, I lost my person. She tragically died in a motorcycle accident. Losing my best friend sent me on a spiritual, emotional, and personal spiral. I had some massive self-realization that the friends I sought after perpetuated the abusive cycle I had grown up in. The people I pulled closest were the ones who wanted me in their lives for what I could do for them and when I struggled they disappeared.
I discovered that the person I had invested eight years of my life into spoke horribly about me to everyone. The person I defended, bailed out, stood up for, and protected spread lies to everyone. They did not keep my confidence and they were cruel behind my back. Not only did I lose the person who I cared so deeply for but I realized they were not the person I had thought they were in my head.
Over the course of the next several years, I attempted to invest in people who I thought were better but ended up in the same situation over and over again. To the point one individual who I tried to help endangered my family. At this point, I realized I had to close the doors of my heart and learn how to have a friend. My counselor encouraged me to create strong boundaries for a while.
When my friend passed away my family dwindled away from the church. We participated in online services for a while but I became angrier and angrier with God. How could a loving God allow someone to keep getting their face slammed into the ground over and over again? How could God keep breaking my heart and every time I reached out to help someone how could I get burned?
I let my righteous indignation burn bright. I was furious that I had "wasted" my time serving a God who only cared about what I could do for him. I transferred the feelings from my relationships with my family members and my friendships unto God and in my anger found tons of evidence.
I had lived a good life. I took care of people. I sacrificed myself to help other people. I volunteered and helped where I could. I paid my tithe and sang the songs. I loved people unconditionally over and over again to the point it was detrimental to my own well-being. How could God take my life of service and decide that the reward I deserved was pain and suffering?
The pandemic hit and I switched jobs. I started working on Sunday mornings which became an easy excuse. In my own mind, I quit seeking the path God wanted me to walk. But God kept working behind the scenes. He created relationships with people to help heal my heart and remind me I am loved and cared for. I started to see what true friendship looked like and learn how to be poured into.
For the majority of my life, I had put a cap on my bottle and wore the I do not need help as some demented badge of honor. For the first half of my life, I had done this to keep hidden the truth of what was happening behind the scenes. I did not anyone to discover that my perfect facade was just that a mask I created to cover the scars and pain. The inability to allow others to help me became a chorus in my head. I did not want to be a burden or too much. I did not want to have to rely on anyone for help because if I did that meant I was not okay and I desperately yearned to be okay.
I finished my undergrad in psychology in 2022 and decided to pursue a passion spoken into my life by a coworker from Spring Arbor to become a counselor. To my surprise I was admitted, enrolled, and began my masters course work two weeks after completing my undergrad at Spring Arbor University. God had laid foundations that I was uncovering and with each class, with each position I was redirected back towards the path of seeking wholeness.
Amidst my darkest moments, I still pursued the life purpose I had discovered years ago:
I seek to create a harmonious, calm, and balanced world through education, acceptance, and listening. I desire to allow every person with their unique quirks to feel loved and heard.
I will continue to remain open-minded and willing to get to know a diverse group of individuals through conversation and relationships.
Over the past six months I have added the last portion:
I will reflect the unending love, compassion, and life of Jesus and the Holy Spirit in everything I do. I will continue to strive towards a life of honesty, integrity, and transparency that includes the best and hardest pieces.
Seeking transparent holiness does not mean life is easy. Things get complicated and hard. After seeking over and over again to find purpose and meaning I realize that the story, sacrifice, and love of Jesus continues to be the transformative power within my life. In my anger, his story never changed. His presence in my life never left but I learned a great deal about my own mental health and recovery. I learned about boundaries and about being a part of perpetuating the cycle of abuse within my own life.
I laid awake many nights reflecting on the second greatest commandment. Love your neighbor as yourself. I realized, yes, God wants us to love our neighbors but unless we truly learn to love and care for ourselves we are unable to love those around us. God knew we needed to learn to love ourselves so we could reflect the love of God to our communities.
My path wound and spun and I hit some stumbling blocks but I will continue to seek the path toward transparent holiness. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. God made me with purpose and I will continue to seek that purpose daily.
Until next time,
Seeking Transparent Holiness
